Thursday, May 12, 2011

Caught Up In The Raptor Of Love

My Papi and I have both have distinctive accents.
Mine is of an unremarkable milquetoast, plain Jane, white cracker, hooligans at the Dog & Suds drive-thru, Mid-Westerner variety.
My Papi, however, possesses the super suave sexy-Mexi accent that's the stuff of legendary cinematic Latino lovers.
Most of the time we do speak the same language.......although it's not always the language of love.
On occasion our vastly different accents do interfere with the smooth process of communication.

Why, just the other day while standing in the kitchen I began teasing Papi because moments prior I nearly toppled him over as I bumrushed in with tremendous effort just to score the very last Kit Kat candy bar out of the candy bucket.
Yeah, most people have a candy dish. We have a candy bucket. What of it?
So then, Papi narrowed his gorgeous coppery eyes at me and bitterly said, "Girlie, you will be so sorry when the biblical RAPTOR comes and takes me away, and you'll be left behind all alone."
I began laughing uncontrollably. I mean, who's to say I didn't use Papi as bait so that I myself could escape the hungry clutches of this oncoming RAPTOR?
I won't really feel sorry when the RAPTOR comes and leaves me behind. Nope, not at all.

Which leads me to wonder about super sensual soul singer, Anita Baker. She must have experienced a much different RAPTOR than the ferocious, sharp clawed prehistoric beast that Jurassic Park introduced us to in the 90's, because she even wrote a touching sentimental song professing her unflagging amore for all things RAPTOR.
Yes, Anita has found herself "caught up in the RAPTOR of love," and she says that nothing else can compare.
The RAPTOR of Love reportedly beat out both The Gangster of Love and the space cowboy to win the affections of Miss Baker.
I wish them much happiness together.
I'll be sure to send an economy sized package of Band Aids for their wedding present, because sometimes, love hurts.

You Never Forget The First Time You Get Your Hands On Some Naked Nuts

*This is a declared oldie-but-goodie day as the Naked Nuts tribute was originally posted on my now extinct blog on this very date in 2009*
I won't lie to you, I've seen many a Naked Nut in my life but never as many as the Naked Nut supply amassed on the shelves at our local 99 Cents Only Store.
Some heathen left their Naked Nut sack open and exposed to the world.
Well, the inevitable happened when a passing lady snagged the bag with her shopping cart thus spilling salty Naked Nuts everywhere.
I'll readily cry over spilled milk because it's freakin expensive but I refuse to cry over spilled dollar store Naked Nuts.
It was when I eagerly grabbed the Naked Nut sack to closely examine it further that I noticed the interesting expiration date.
Obviously, these are not just your average, ordinary Naked Nuts that go bad at the most inopportune moment.
Nay, these little beauties are long-lasting Naked Nuts. They don't expire until 3009.
Whoa, who knew that Naked Nuts could achieve that kind of shelf life?
I propose that all of you who are serious about building up your family food storage go immediately to the 99 Cents Only Store to get your fill of Apocalyptic Naked Nuts meant to last a whole millennium.
Just think, your great-great-great-great-great grandkids can chomp down on your Naked Nuts 1,000 years in the future. A lasting legacy, to be sure.
I think I'm duty-bound to pass along this vitally important post in an e-mail to the Ward Preparedness Committee and possibly the Relief Society Presidency, too........anonymously.

We thank thee for the Naked Nuts we are about to receiveth. Amen.

Friday, May 6, 2011

In An Exciting Bathroom Match Triple HHH Takes On The Hefty Hipster!

Were you aware of the fact that I have my very own version of Triple HHH?
No, not the wrestler. And not the bra size. And not Homely Housewives Hideout so created because the MILP (Mother I'd Like To Put A Paper Bag Over) Club was already at max. capacity membership.
My Triple HHH stands for Hefty Hipster Husband and he's of the Mexican variety.
Anyway, yesterday a fourth H could have been added to his name.
As he was getting ready for work one of the lenses popped out of his glasses.
I channeled my best "Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?" accent and cooed "My, your monocle is simply smashing, dahling."
And then I told him that he looked just like a Mexican Mr. Peanut and asked for permission to call him "Senor Cacahuates" from now on.
Triple HHH then shot his middle churro at me in response.
Luckily, I had already activated my Churro Defense Force Field and felt none of the effects.
That means I can carry on unscathed to bring Triple HHH the unboundless amounts of daily happiness and mirth he's grown so accustomed to.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Hefty Hipster Commits The Sin Of Coveting

I saw this headline slapped across the front of our beloved community newspaper and instant jealousy reared up mean and ugly like the bad flounder fillet I ate at a Knights Of Columbus Fish Fry once.

How dare this man receive a sentence and then have the nerve to flaunt it all over the newspaper accompanied by his smug picture.

There have been many times in my life when I've been down and out and pitifully sentence-less. Nobody took mercy on me and threw me a sentence out of the kindness of their hearts.

I wasn't asking for an essay or even a stinkin paragraph.....I just wanted one measly sentence.

A kindly man once stopped me and I thought "Yes! At last my sentence ship has come in." But no, he only "wanted to have a word with me."

What the flyin flippin Cheez Nip is that all about? Do I look like a word charity that wants to share a word with you, old man?

Why don't we just go to the Dictionary Diner and order a word shake with two straws so that we may partake of the same word together?

*shakes fist* This word isn't big enough for the two of us, mister!!!

Given that this newspaper lives up to its free-of-charge-you-get-what-you-pay-for reputation, the headline neglects to offer any pertinent details to fill the reader in on what the article's about.

So then I thought maybe I jumped to a hasty conclusion and that this man had gone to a service where you can give them all your extra pocket words and they'll make you a sentence out of it.

Sentences In Exchange For Your Old Words.....Come And Cash In Your Old Unused And Unwanted Words For Sentences Today!!!

Maybe he performed some act of Grammar Heroism and the Mayor of Word Nerd Ville decided he should be honored with the Golden Sentence to the city.

I'm lazy and I never bothered to read the article so now I'll never know where to sign up to receive free sentences for mys

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Hefty Hipster's Guide To Gift Giving

People assume that hipsters lead this laid back devil-may-care existence--not knowing or caring what other people think about them.

This is patently untrue. Especially as it pertains to gift-giving.

Hipsters are under an enormous amount of pressure to produce a gift that is at once personal, awesome, and so astoundingly unique/bizarre/puzzling it will never be duplicated by anybody else.

The moment I created this handpainted tortilla warmer for my snooty English Professor's 35th wedding anniversary I knew it was sure to take its rightful place nestled in the flannel clouds in the upper echelons of Hipster Gift-Giving Heaven.


A Tortilla Warmer that simultaneously warms your heart and your floury Mexican dinner accomplices.

Que Romantico, no?

If Shakespeare had been Mexican he would have composed all his greatest sonnets upon the face of a tortilla. And then we would have nothing left of him today because he'd get hungry, roll it up and eat his words.....

Homophone Alert! You need to be very specific when ordering a flour/flower tortilla as you're getting your Mexi nom noms on. Unless, of course, you prefer the combo flour flower tortilla.

I'm going to start shellacking these babies then string them up on hardened Mexican noodles. Personalized BEST FRIEND Tortilla Necklaces............So Then You Can Eat Your Best Friend Necklace Instead Of Your Best Friend Should A Donner Party Disaster Ever Happen To You.'s in the air. And on a tortilla.

I'm working on a line of Tortilla Lingerie for the next anniversary gift I give. Poke a hole in the middle and voila! Peek-A-Boo Tortilla Brassiere.

Really, there are no limitations to tortilla gift giving possibilities.